The Nutsacker Suite

Yes, that's right - Darren and I attempted to see The Nutcracker Suite over the weekend. We were lured by the words "Russian ballet" in the title, and his College offered really good seats at a fair price. However, we were not prepared for what we were about to see up close and very personal...

First of all, the production was just a bit nicer than what a grade-school would put on. Maybe High School quality. All the sets were painted curtains, and the many of the costumes look like they have been around since the '80s. And then the Nutsacker made an appearance. I thought "hey, good for you!" but also "there are children present!!" I was under the impression that male ballet performers did something with their general groin areas to make them more even..or smooth-like. This man had the biggest nutsack I had ever seen! Maybe because he was wearing very tight white leggings? I could also see his religion quite clearly. I couldn't look away! Every time he was on stage, he was simply the dancing twig and berries.

Once we got past the dancing nutsack, we could focus on the story. Except that they changed the story, and I had no idea what the hell was going on. Not to mention that none of the dancers were actually dancing with the piped-in music - or each other, for that matter. The Rat King only had one head, and it was a poorly made Halloween mask consisting of brown cloth and red blinking eyes. The Prince (different, less visable nutsack) "fought" the Rat King from across the stage! Of course he didn't win, but Clara didn't throw her shoe and save the Prince. Which meant that the Rat King followed them in all the scenes after that. And not only was she running around with the Prince, but with her 20-something "Uncle" as well. Their relationship bordered on child molestation more than once.

At some point, the Prince finally killed the Rat King, and he and Clara continued their journey. But what happened next, I had just never seen before and hope to never see again. In fact, I need to rent the original staging so I can forget what I've seen. Instead of the Winter Wonderland Fairy-people rewarding Clara with dances and goods from around the world, Clara and the Prince visited the different (and highly offensive) parts of the world. This prodcution decided to add in 'animals' for each country - which were dancers in huge cartoon-like costumes resembling: camels, elephants, and a bear that wouldn't leave the stage. There were no sugar plum fairies during "The Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairies". Afterwards, Clara and the Prince danced 2 or 3 songs by themselves, and then went to the front of the stage and bowed! I actually wondered at one time if the ballet had finished, and they had moved on to something else?

Then came the flower people. Oy vey! The men wore sailor-cut shirts with giant fake pink roses adorning the v-neck and other parts of the shirts. The women were also decked out in fake pink roses from head to toe. These people danced forever . Every time we thought they were done, they came back (kinda like that turd that just won't flush). I think I went into shock at some point, because I barely remember the ending. Did Clara make it back home and wake up? I don't know. I can't remember. It was seriously the most jacked up version of the Nutcraker I'd ever seen.